I tried the smartfood kettle corn and it sucks, and I got coffee instead of vanilla ice cream

but other than that, urrthing's peachy, like a funfuzz rumfizz..zz..zz

I made this bangin dinner for one (+leftovers) just now, while watching the yankee/red sox game: chicken cooked with onions, ginger, chopped apples, lime, and an apple cider reduction. man oh man I love saying "and a _______ reduction". it sounds so goddamn fancy but all it is is some liquid you let boil for a while so it gets thick. and yet, I get to sound like Anthony fucking Bordain.

who I met. yeah whatever he was fine whatever

so I hate this kettle corn but I CANNOT stop eating it. I want it so badly to be white cheddar but I still can't stop.

as you can say, I haven't much to say. my parents are still gone, until this coming friday, and it's been real.

how about a rap


kettle corn, letters torn
feelin like an ivory horn
let the rain fall down my face
cause you are cheese
and this is a rat race
rufio, joins the snow
ren, kody, tony no
but one day we all fall down
so I'm proud, to be loud, not to cover with a shroud
not to blubber like a clown
be my brother, work it out
meet my mother, go to town
make me smother you with doubt
and I hope you don't get gout! gout gout gout gout gout gout gout gout gout gout gout gout sHABOOM!


and now, a word from our sponsors.

I wanna dress you up in my love, in my love.

I got stoned and wrote a list of things I like, and then a list of things I want. It's very me-ish and needs to be shared with people who are you-ish.

I like to chill in my room with my guitar. I like to eat soup and read about Samurai warriors. I like my apartment, I like my car (I like to rap along to Biggie with the windows down), I like my new roommate, and I like my new roomdog. I like making breakfast when I have the time. I like kitchens that fill with light in the morning. I like when a lemon falls on my head when I leave the house. It is just so appealingly odd. I like the flowers that caress the gate to my home. I like the secret garden that lies beyond the gate and the way it smells at night. I like when people let me in their lane without making me think they’re going to kill me first. I like my Batman plates and my Disney Princess cups. I like the food I’ve been putting in my belly. I like flirty eyes in dimly lit areas. I like to believe I was a fairy of some sort in a past life/dimension. I like when I make my mom laugh over the phone. I like Mulitas. I like the beach at night. I like the beach during sunset. I like the beach mid-day. Basically, I like the beach. I like the New Yorkers who end up in LA. I like how when you meet other New Yorkers in LA, they look into your eyes and say “we’re better than everyone else.” I like getting inappropriate texts in composure-demanding situations. I like not having the internet at my disposal. I like old movies you can count on like an old t-shirt or an old mix CD you find in your old car. I like Jay-Z. I like when Jay-Z wakes me up. I like when Jay-Z puts me to sleep. I like when Jay-Z grooves with me in my 2000 Honda Civic. I like when Jay-Z grinds with me in the club. I like when Jay-Z lets me be sad, and when he pulls me out of my funk. I like that a sandbeast is a real thing.

I want to be constantly growing and improving. I want to gain so much knowledge it hurts. I want everyone I love to be happy. I want it to be more acceptable to cry in public. I want a pair of Air Force Ones. Really badly. I want more graffiti.  I want to go out and take snazzy photos of all the graffiti I’ve encountered here. I want to win a Ham-For-Life sweepstakes. I want everyone in my family to rise to greater heights than they even thought possible.  I want to go somewhere exotic. I want to get tan- it’s ridiculous at this point. I want to be able to sing like Adele. I want cup of coffee. I want to have sex. I want to remember all my ideas without writing them down. I want to remember to write down all my ideas. I want to exist in a time period before cell phones. I want to have a torrid love affair with whoever I hear singing along to classic rock in the shower every morning at approximately 9:30 AM. I want to not have to pay for gas. I want a little pet turtle, but only if he actually understands what I’m saying.  I want to go scuba diving with someone I admire, like Michael J. Fox. I want to meet Beyonce at least once. I want an entire body-length blanket of my own hair. I want it to not be weird or forced when Logan comes to visit. I want to listen to the Beatles...thanks iTunes, for that instant gratification. I want to understand even .03% of the things my computer does for me on a daily basis. I want this Drive and Learn Spanish to actually work. I want to become fluent in Spanish and somehow, some way, someday make it on to one episode of a Spanish soap opera. I want to go to the opera! Why do I feel inclined to capitalize the “o” in opera? Maybe because it reminds me of Oprah. I want to meet Oprah in some weird non-Oprah situation, like she’s had a bad day and is stuffing her face with Swedish Meatballs at Ikea, drops some on her shirt, and I’m the one who hands her handy-wipes. 

YOU WANT ME TO POST, BITCH???

balogna in my ears like I'm a mo'fucking beef tree
causing all the tears because I'm feelin kinda queefy
crushing bottles, fuckin models, eatin matzah, gonna salt ya
fuck with me I eat your socks, I love em when they filthy

Oh Hey Denny.

Speaking of Denny's, I ate at Denny's. Did I tell you that? It felt weird. It felt like a place I never thought I'd go. It felt like a place I never thought I'd go and then talk about later.  But continuously saying, "oh hey denny," made it kind of worth it.

So I meant to tell you guys about my walking stick. One of the first days I was here David took me on a short hike in a secluded mountain spot. On the way into this pathway/park area/ambiguous entrance we noticed a stick laying right across our tracks. A beautiful stick. David picked it up but it was too short for him. He went to toss it but I grabbed it. Perfect height. Bent end for a perfect handle.

I know this sounds crazy but I feel like I can walk any distance or climb any mountain as long as I have that walking stick. I hiked with it that day and it was glorious. I threw it in David's trunk when we got back to the car and I aim to whittle the shit out of it. I'm thinking lions and whatnot. Maybe lions and dragons.

What would you guys do if I got super into whittling? I gotta whittle you guys some stuff. Also, do any names for the walking stick come to you organically?

But what if I'm getting this all wrong. What if the universe is really trying to leave me a pimp cane.

So sum cool shit is happening tomorrow..I'm gonna go pick up my car, which is a 2000 Honda Civic. AHH! I will have a car. I don't care that it's old. The situation is I'm going with the current owner (Allison's friend Tida's super asian mom) to pick it up from the mechanic who has taken care of this car for its entire existence (Jim). I like this situation because A. this car comes with its own man. B. the man trades over to me. C. this "car man" has been in their family for years, and only NOW,  now that they need to plan my introduction to him, have they finally asked his name, and they're not even sure if they heard him correctly when he said whatever it was that sounded like "Jim."

Also, since I'm only spending 2500 on my car, I'm thinking I'm gonna splurge on a pain job..and I'm thinking a deep, radiant purple...

THEN after THAT, I'm moving in. It's pretty crazy to think that as of tomorrow I will have a place and a car. I can't really wrap my head around that. I think it might call for buying a bottle of jack (at CVS) and then walking down the street playing thought thought pass with strangers. or maybe..smoking a j and starting to whittle a magical stick. I don't know, one of the two.

Anyway I have to go to sleep. But I just wanted to holler.

PS does anyone read this?
ARE YOU OUT THERE?

A day that will live in infamy...

Hannah, you would go to the west coast and miss the earthquake on the east coast...

Magical Mystery Tour

So yesterday marked one week in mental outer space/California. And what a week it has been. I've managed to check out various facets of this crazy place and end the week with....AN APARTMENT!

That's right, folks. As of September 1st (maybe sooner, I need to talk to my landlord Jill, a spunky Filipina lesbian who always carries a messenger bag) I will be residing in the heart of Los Feliz (easily one of the best neighborhoods-- bars, restaurants, cute little coffee shops, thrift stores, supermarkets all within walking distance) at the lovely and strange address of:

4523 1/2 Franklin Avenue (yes, that's right. Harry Potter-esque)
Los Feliz, CA
90027

It's even a block away from a public library!
And I have a lemon tree hanging over my entrance!! (I will try to send you lemons but we'll see how that  goes)

I am super excited. The rent for me will be 550/month and that kind of makes me want to do a shot of whiskey off someone's titties (applicants please forward a titty pic to hdillon6@gmail.com no calls please)

However, there are a few drawbacks. The bedrooms are very very small...and the bathroom is connected to one of them. BUT there is a big living room, and a big kitchen. No, the situation isn't one hundred percent ideal, but I basically weighed how important those things are to me given the location, safety, price AND charm of the place. And what I ended realizing was this: bedroom size and that slight bathroom situation are actually not that important to me at all, esp given all the other things I love about the place. Sarah is also totally cool with it. AND this place is month to month, so even if it does get annoying/I don't like it/etc., I can just be OUT with no consequences. It's kind of a win win win.

Cars. I have been going to car dealerships until my eyes bleed. And my Jew is in full form. Car Salesman Mentality activates Jew Power. The more Car Salesman Mentality used, the more Jew Power rises. This is a direct relationship with an exponential curve. Jew Power plateaus only when "How long are we going to do this? I'm hungry. I feel faint. Are you hungry?" is reached.

This whole time I've been looking at 3 year leases, because that's what I can afford. The lease payments increase drastically if you only lease for a year, or even two. I finally found the car I thought I wanted. But it was seriously only last night, in the middle of the night, that it occurred to me...what the hell am I thinking committing to a car for three years?? Did I really not think about that? I can't do that. I just can't. So I am going to go looked at used cars. Apparently David's Israeli cousin who lives here used to own a used car lot and knows lots of people in the business/will help me get a good deal, so I'm going to go down that road. And yes. I know. Carfax.

But more important than all this rigamarole is the fun I've been having. Went to Disney Land yesterday with Sam, Allison, her sister and her sister's boyfriend, and their parents for Allison's 25th birthday-- we were quite the crew. And I was seventh wheeling HARD. But I had possibly one of the best times that I've ever had doing anything. Her family is really being amazing towards me and treating me like I'm another one of their daughters. They treat me to everything and they're super supportive and just generally concerned for my well-being. They also LOVE Disney Land and wanted to make sure that me and Sam had a fantastic time. But it was so interesting/weird..it was like me and my brother were on a family vacation with a substitute family that never gets angry at us or bitchy with us. It was...amazing.

Also, did I tell you guys about the weird Beverly Hills party I went to? I mean, it was basically everything you would expect and I was the only one who ate the food or danced to the music and then an attractive rich man fed me a piece of pie because he thought it was hot that I EAT.

But also, I had sex with David.

I know. I'm not happy about it.

But I can blog about it because I told him I'm taking a shit so he's chilling outside.

He's been super awesome to me. Like, super, super awesome. And I know it's because he loves me but that still doesn't discredit the fact that he is really a great friend.

From day one out here we have had an intense flirty situation. We do have great chemistry and can have animated conversation for an eternity. I just feel super comfortable with him, personally and physically, and found myself fighting the urge to give him a kiss or cuddle up next to him, etc. It's like your brain programs you to feel that way when you're in a relationship with someone and its kind of impossible to totally de-program.

But still, I kept all of this to myself. I'm not looking for that. I don't want to be with him, at all. And I especially don't want to be messing around with him while I'm staying here.

But then the other night we were on his bed playing guitar for each other and he leaned over and kissed me and it just escalated. I've been super horny and it just kind of started happening all of a sudden. But wait. It gets better! It gets awkward! Like 4 minutes into sex I ask him if we can stop because I feel weird. We stop and I go outside for fresh air and don't come back for 15 minutes. Then I do and I'm like "I feel weird about this. And I don't want this to happen, really. I'm sorry. Do you want to just watch a movie?"

So as of right now we're in this weird what-the-fuck-is-going-on stage. But still managing to not be that awkward. It's like...I don't know. I have no way of describing what's going on. I explained to him that I didn't think anything was going to happen and that I really just want to be friends. We both seem to be okay with this. But what happens next remains to be seen.

So this is what's going on in my life. Lots of things, all of them intense. All of them interesting. All of them subject to go any which way at any which moment.

I'm really sorry I haven't been able to chat with you guys this week. It's been fucking insane and I've been all over the place. And I don't really have any time to myself at all to have like a brief 20 min chat. I'm always with someone or in transit with someone and then I pass out and wake up early the next day and don't stop moving/going until I pass out again. But I am going to be a lot easier to talk to when I convert a few of these variables into constants.

Please tell me more in this blog!! This is a really good way for me to at least know the base of what's going on in your world!! keep me updated!! Because

The moral of the story is

I LOVE YOU

And I will holla atcha boo.

peace.

This took me way too long to figure out how to do this...

I am either.. a) too stupid to figure out how to write a blog or b) too busy to take the time to actually try to figure it out. Either way, I FAIL.

While we are on the topic of failing, or wanting to not fail for that matter, I would like to express how apprehensive I feel about my upcoming semester. I feel as if now it is do or die, kill or be killed, be or not to be... you get what I am trying to say here. During your 1L year you have the excuse that it is your first year so all you are supposed to do is focus on your studies. Now on top of that I have to write an article on a topic that I barely know anything about and in a few months I am supposed to be an expert on the topic. Don't get me wrong, I am excited for all these things but after a carefree summer I am not quite sure my discipline is where it should be. I may or may not left my discipline somewhere in a toilet or perhaps locked it up and threw away the key. Help me find it?

TELL ME FRIENDS, what does this mean to you??? ---> This is a rather happy, goal-oriented month. A lively agenda is promised, you’re attracting quite a bit of interest, and your energy for making contact with others is high. This is a time to follow your dreams and ideals, and to plant a seed in the form of a wish for the future. The inward level you feel within yourself will come alive and prove that what you are and what you’ve become is as real as the love you give out.

Yes, this is my horoscope for the month of august. I know it may be very general but I believe in this stuff. I was recently talking to someone else who believes in it too (the guy I set leah up on a not so blind date) and he suggested that I look at my horoscope at the end of the month to see if the horoscope for the month actually came true. So that little tid bit is from my august horoscope and it really is spot on to how I felt this month. You may call it crazy but before you start calling me names I think ya'll should try it out for yourself. Ask-oracle.com is my jam. CHECK IT.

Babies are calling for me. I'm outtie for now babes xo

Strep on my vagina.

Hey guys,

It's me. Strep. On your vagina! So lovely to meet you, really. I mean, I really don't even feel like going into it at all, except I already have and I already will. So my strep has returned which means that I definitely have something horrible brewing inside of me and my clit is about to fly off the handle of my broomstick. There's no better way of putting that. Adam gave me a bacterial infection for the ages. Fuck.

Next (especially see: discover questions):

 Truth to the universe:

Ok, so then my next thought is this... this morning I saw two girls making out on the subway. One girl looked like a dude. The other girl looked like a gal. They were macking and caressing and no one else seemed to care or notice. Why did I care and/or notice? Immediately after that I all of a sudden noticed VIVEK ON THE SUBWAY. Our eyes held each others gazes for a moment or two before we cease and desisted (what?). We kissed cheekside and said yo mama let's chill with dem babies lata. So he gon be my babydaddy.

Remember that episode of the Babysitter's Club where Lisa (I think??) started like taking diet pills and then was up all night baking cookies and never sleeping?

questions questions questions

first, we had gay or european.

soon after, there was pregnant or fat, guy or girl, and then, of course, transvestite or german.

NOW we have: hipster, or orthodox jew?

surriously, I saw a jewman the other day, no peyes but big ass beard and hat, wearing skinny jeans and hipster loafers. I was stopped at a light and stared at him, that is, until this other jew man, not ortho but wearing a yarmulke (isn't it CRAZY how that's spelled??) and tryna sell flowers on the street walked up to my open window and asked me if he gave me a flower for free, would I marry him. he was ugly and fat and jewish and relentless. #crowneheights


SPEAKING of hashtags, yes, I got a twitter. I know, I've always hated on it, but y'all know I also always just wanted one. I have 6 followers, four of them are random companies tryna get me to notice them, and the other two are caroline, and the john dory oyster bar. my brother knows I have a twitter, and I follow him, but he's not following me.

speaking of the john dory oyster bar, I'm finally working there again. yip!


ok guys I really have nothing good to say. but hannah, I'm interested in your adventures.

here's a photo to consider:

The Champ Is Here

I have been thrust into an alternate reality. But don't worry, all my parts made it. Even the private ones.

I already miss you. 

This is not to say I am not having a fantastic time. I am. I'm...really happy. I just wish I had you guys in a pocket. Maybe each of you in your own pocket, you know, so it doesn't get to sweaty in there. A pair of cargo pants full of friend pockets. In one of those hot pink fatigue prints that doesn't make any sense. 

So yeah.

Staying with David is really good. We have maintained plutonocity and we're actually having a great time together. Coming out here made him happier and that has affected the way he conducts himself and interacts with people. He's doing a great job of showing me around with enthusiasm and positivity...which, I must say, is very unlike him. He's got awesome friends too-- really friendly, smart, funny, artsy people. I like them a lot. New Yorkers like to say everyone out here is vapid and self-obsessed but I honestly didn't even get that vibe from Barret's male model friends who, by all expectations, should be that way. 

It's also great to be staying with someone who I'm actually close with. I woke up on my first morning here and had this moment of "I have to find a car and a place and a job now now now wait what am I gonna do this is real"...and David was there to be like, "this is your first day. you can chill out. this is just a pang of anxiety and you do this sometimes, only to be completely calm ten minutes later." 

A truth I'm not happy about, but a truth none-the-less. It's just good to have someone I can count on to tell me the things I need to hear.

Call me crazy but I'm having so much fun looking for a car and a place. Looking for a place is instantly fun because everything is WAY bigger, nicer, cleaner, cuter (alternate Kanye song? For housewives?) than you would ever expect it to be after being ripped a new one by New York real estate. And looking for a car is fun because, well, it feels so...adulty. AND it's so exciting. AND you get to go on test drives which have turned out to be the funniest/most awkward experiences ever. (i.e. I almost hit a car. In my defense, it really DID come out of nowhere. I slam on the brakes then turn to the car salesman who has his hand to his mouth. For some reason I am still smiling and relaxed. "Great brakes," I say, as I continue to drive. He is silent. I wait a couple moments. "So...hypothetically, what would happen if I got a ticket during a test drive?" He is not amused. "You'd get a ticket during the test drive." The rest of the ride was silent, save when I honked the horn by accident, then laughed maniacally.)

Venice Beach. I love it. Almost too much. It's like Chinatown meets Rhinebeck meets BEACH. I'm seriously into it. I know I came here to maybe be productive and shit but I could EASILY get a job at one of those places on the boardwalk and just chill the fuck out in eternal summer until I can't take it anymore. Just ideas. 

My favorite people I have met since I'm here were at Venice beach and they include an R&B artist/homeless man named Salt who dresses all in white (I should send you guys some tracks..I bought his CD after we became friends..slow jamz) and a woman named Jane who teaches hula hooping/tricks on the beach for free on weekends and looks kind of like an elementary school teacher who took a huge bong hit, then quit her job (I'm obviously going and mastering the art of hula). 

West Hollywood is also pretty fun. I went to a crazy gay club last night with the male model squad (I am so very short and pale).  Men in Borat-style swimsuits hanging from poles on the ceiling and a Tranny show every half hour or so to Britney remixes. 

It was bliss. And basically Chelsea on a Tuesday.

So, I mean, LA is cool. It's different. I think my favorite thing about it is that it just exudes vacation vibes constantly. There are palm trees on the highway, you know? And no, it's not as cool as New York but it's doing it's own thing. As am I. It feels good. 

I don't have everything figured out yet but I'm not stressing about it. Wheels are in motion and the universe will unfold as it should. I will continue to live and so a "life" will transpire. I'm excited for whatever happens. I'm just focusing on enjoying the here and now, and filling my life with as much positive energy as possible. And all of those things are happening. Just wish you guys were hear to do this with me.

LOVE and JUICE,

The one with the clammy hands